AUTOHAGIOGRAPHER

Although there are only two definitions, to date, for the word AUTOHAGIOGRAPHER, I must confess that the erudition demonstrated is positively bind-moggling.

Ed, or to give him his Sunday name, Edrodmedina Nuncio Pablo Placido Domingo Ruidoso Sabado de los Angeles, is in excellent form.

Using the absolute minimum of words, in a few, concise, terse, short, brief, succinct, pithy phrases, he gives us a compressed, abridged, condensed, abbreviated summary of the word �autohagiographer�.  His command of English is unequalled, even by non-speakers.

His description is matchless, transcendent, unparalleled, incomparable, exceptional, state-of-the-art, second-to-none, supreme!

Unfortunately, it is also a load of rubbish!

Or, as the Germans say, �Ein Load von Rubbish!�

German is a very easy language to learn, especially for children whose parents speak German.  When I was in Germany, I noticed that children as young as 3 or 4 could speak the language fluently.

Did you know that every German noun begins with a Capital Letter?  You didn�t?  Well, it does!  Now, that�s an extremely good idea!  It is really easy to recognise House, and Taxi, and Banana as nouns.

I think that we should have that system in English.  I�d even extend it and have every verb ending in a capital letter, so that you would have words like sinG, and dancE, and eaT.

And adjectives could be in italics; and adverbs could be underlined; and determiners could be in bold; and pronouns could be all CAPITAL LETTERS; and prepositions could have s p a c e s between letters.

So YOU woulD havE the most beautiful Words, a l o n g s i d e each other, ONES YOU caN writE easily, similar t o THIS.

Then when we get a complicated question from a Teacher on ESLP, asking:

�What part of speech is this word?� we can answer: �It�s one of T H E S E words!�   

We pass quickly to the description given by Elderberrywine.

Incidentally, a customer entered a restaurant and gave instructions to the waiter:  �Waiter!  Wine!  For my friends!�

So the waiter raised his mouth to the sky, like a wolf, and went:

�Ow-w-w-ooh-ooh-ooh!  Ow-w-w-w-ooh-ooh-ooh!�

Elderberrywine was uncannily accurate in her description, with her reference to haggis.  Sadly, when using the verbs, she confused the vocative case with the ablative case, with the result that her luggage went in a completely wrong direction.

The plural of �haggis�, is, of course, �haggi�, in the same way that the plural of the Hebrew words, �cherub� and �seraph�, are, �cherubim� and �seraphim�.

The word autohagiographer, is an Americanism, from America, formed from the words �automobile�, �haggi�, and �photographer�.

In other words, an autohagiographer is: �Someone who takes photographs of herds of haggi from a moving automobile�.

It is a well-known zoological fact that the haggis is an animal that has two long right legs and two short left legs to enable it to run more easily UP the mountain tracks, anti-clockwise.  (Strangely, no haggis has ever been seen wearing a wrist-watch, so scientists are baffled by its ability to know the difference between �clockwise� and �anti-clockwise�).  Once at the peak, the haggis is easily captured, because it cannot run DOWN the mountain, clockwise, and it is stranded!

Unlike the British, the Americans cannot pronounce the word, �car�, consequently, they must use the easier word, �automobile�.  The automobile in question has different-sized wheels on each side, for going UP the mountain, (hence the word �differential�).  At the summit, these are removed and exchanged, left-for-right, and refitted, for the journey DOWN.

It can all be summed up in that Scottish greeting, known and loved the whole world over: �Losh me, haud yer wheest ye scunner, the noo, afore ah cock-a-leekie yer widdershins!  So ah wull!�  This phrase is so well-known internationally that I will not insult you by giving a translation!

Les