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Well, school is over for two days. We have the weekend to rest and I thought we could relax and enjoy some jokes, just to make sure everybody is in a good mood for the weekend. Enjoy: :o)
The little boy wasn ´t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don ´t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don ´t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
Pupil: I don ´t think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that ´s the lowest mark I could give you!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Mother: Does your teacher like you? Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X ´s on my test paper!
Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I ´m not too keen on the time in-between!
Get ready....This is a long list of jokes I got from the Internet....sorry if some of them are the same jokes.
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid
that won �t freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days
?
Pupil: All of them !
Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the
line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !
Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a
dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass
but you �ve only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
Teacher: What is "can �t" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.
Teacher: and what is "don �t" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is
?
Pupil: Lassie !
Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in
Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I �m just turning over things in my mind, sir !
Teacher: That �s quite a cough you have there,
what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don �t know teacher. What will you give me ?
There were three boys who wanted to be in good terms with
their new teacher.
They all decided to bring in a gift.
The first boy gave the teacher a box, she shook it and then she smelled it.
She knew the boy �s father worked in a candy store so she asked the boy if it
were candy.
The boy said, yes.
The next boy gave her the box he had. Then she shook the box and smelled it.
She knew this boy �s father was a florist. She asked, Is it flowers?
The boy said, yes.
The next boy gave her his box, she knew his father worked at a distillery.
Then she asked, Is it Rum?
The boy said, no.
Is it Vodka?
The boy said, no.
She shook the box and it started to leak.
She decided to taste what was leaking out.
Then she said, I don �t know, What is it?
The boy said, it �s a puppy.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn �t
do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that �s terrible! I �m going to have a talk
with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn �t
do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose,"
she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them
jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don �t know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don �t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
"Isn �t the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I �m the principal �s daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can �t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two
rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: Let �s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples
and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Patty: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two
rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is
seven?
Patty: I �ve already got one rabbit at home now!
Teacher
Jokes
Short
Teacher Jokes 2
Teacher: When you yawn,
your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What ?, and get bitten!
Teacher: You aren �t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble
hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I �m having trouble listening!
Why were you late?
Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this
morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Son: I can �t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don �t feel well
Teacher: Where don �t you feel well?
Son: In school!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn �t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn �t, and I have the fish to prove it!
Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won �t be able to come
to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I �m not too keen
on the time in-between!
A professor is someone who talks in someone else �s sleep.
A schoolteacher a is
disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.
Hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Or, he worked it out with a slide rule.
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She had trouble with her pupils.
A student comes to a young
professor �s office after hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do
*anything* to pass this exam."She
leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would
do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens.
"*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a
whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
The college President hired a new Admissions Administrator. At the
conclusion of the interview he said, "Please don �t tell anyone what we �re
paying you." "Don �t worry Sir." the new bureaucrat replied."I �m as ashamed of my salary as you
are."
A young school teacher rushed into
the headmasters office in a
distraught state. "Oh, sir!" he cried, "I just
caught three young boys trying to see how high up the toilet wall they could
pee."
"What did you
do?" asked the headmaster?
"Well, I hit the
ceiling," the teacher told him.
"Good show!"
said the headmaster, "that �s one up to the staff!"
TEACHERS GET PAID TOO MUCH
I �m fed up with teachers
and their hefty salary guides. What we
need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I �d pay these
teachers myself...I �d pay them Babysitting wages.
That �s right...instead of
paying these outrageous taxes, I �d give
them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I �m only going to pay
them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent
should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if
they have more than one child, it �s still cheaper than private daycare.
Now how many children do
they teach in a day, maybe twenty? That �s $15.00 x 20 =$300 a day. But
remember, they only work 180 days a year! I �m not going to pay them for all
those vacations.
$300 x 180 =$54,000.
(Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)
I know you teachers will
say, "What about those who have ten years of experience and a Master �s
degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage,
and instead of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round
that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times twenty children. $5.00
x 5 x 20. That �s $500 a day times 180 days. That �s $90,000.
HUH? Wait a minute. Let �s get a little perspective here.
Babysitting
wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary
guide around here???!
One of my students (Stacy)
admitted to hitting another little girl.
I wrote a note about it on the little girl �s weekly report.The next
day the grandmother came in.She demanded to know why I had accused her granddaughter of doing
this.Her granddaughter had told her
that she didn �t do it and she stated that, "My granddaughter was raised
better than that and she NEVER lies!" I looked at Stacy (who was already
starting to cry) and asked her,"What did you tell me yesterday?" Tears
welled up and she replied, "I told you I hit her!" I looked at the
grandmother and asked her, "Is she lying now, or was she lying to you
yesterday?" The grandmother stammered for a moment, quickly apologized and
left!
Peter �s teacher wrote to
his mother:"Peter is a bright boy,
but he seems to spend all his time thinking about girls."
Peter �s mother wrote back
to his teacher:"If you find a
cure,
let me know.I �m having the
same trouble with his father."
As a new school Principal,
Mr. Mitchell was checking over his
school on the first day.Passing the stockroom, he was startled
to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out,
carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the
next day.
The school where he had
been a teacher the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less
elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the schools long time
Custodian, "Do you think it �s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to
let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him
gravely..."We trust them with the
children, don �t we?" he said.
Could you be a true elementary school teacher?Let �s find out:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and
mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner �s glass away from the edge of
the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a
theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes
ahead of you in acheckout line?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the
mechanic who repairs your car nice?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the
mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you
look up a number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeateverything?
11. Do you fold your spouse �s fingers over the coins as you hand
him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to
share with the group?
* If you answered yes to 4
or more, it �s in your soul--you are hooked
on teaching.And if you �re
not a teacher, you missed your calling.
* If you answered yes to 8
or more, well, maybe it �s *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin
thinking about retirement.
* If you answered yes to 8
or more, well, maybe it �s *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin
thinking about retirement.
* If you answered yes to
all 12, forget it--you �ll *always* be a
teacher, retired or not!
TO ALL TEACHERS
Please put this in a
prominent place on your desk so that you may
refer to it throughout the year.Attach it securely, as no copies
will be made available.
So that there is no
misunderstanding between thee and me, it is
expected that the following rules be obeyed:
1.Students MUST leave
their homes no later that 7:30 A.M. and
return no earlier that
3:00 P.M.NO hanging around the front
yards.Parents have enough to do in the mornings
without baby-
sitting your students.
2.Students may come home
for lunch only if they live within
thirty feet of the
school.
3.If school is to be
dismissed at noon on any given day, notice
must be sent home six
months in advance.
4.No student may come home
claiming illness unless he a) is
bleeding from both ears, b) has a broken bone protruding from the skin, c) is unconscious.In such cases, the student may come home if
s/he brings a note from the school nurse testifying that the child is not
faking.
5.Oil paints, India ink,
and Magic Markers are strictly
prohibited and if
brought into the home, will be confiscated and
destroyed.In the event that said items are smuggled
into the
home, and are found by a
preschool age sibling, it shall be
understood that the
teacher will then be required to report to
the home that evening to
wash down the walls, clean the carpet,
and explain the whole
thing to Dad.
6.Requests for milk money,
hot-lunch money, mission money,
field-trip money, or any other money must be made before the 21st of
the month, as no respectable mother can be expected to come up with any petty
cash after that date.
7.Students who are
persuaded to go out for band will be allowed
to practice only in the
home of the band instructor.
8.In the interests of
peace at home, the following policy will
be strictly adhered
to:NO PTA meetings, scout banquets,
Christmas programs,
graduations, etc., may be scheduled on Monday
nights unless they are first cleared with Howard Cosell.
9.Students are expected to
return home from school in
reasonably reputable clothes.Trousers with holes, jackets with
rips, and shoes with
irremovable tar will not be tolerated.In
the case of primary
students, parents of first and second-graders
will be satisfied if
their children just return home in the same
clothes they wore to
school.
10. We realize that personality conflicts may occur throughout
the year.However, we must insist that teachers do not
request
that their students be
assigned to another family.While many
parents would be happy
to cooperate with such a request, surveys
have shown that one home is pretty much like another, and students and teachers
will just have to adjust.
If you have any questions
concerning this letter, please feel free
to call me anytime before 3:00 P.M. yesterday afternoon.
I teach geography.For one of my assignments, the student must
learn
to identify all fifty United States.Not hard, when given a blank map
to fill in, but that �s not the real test.My students must draw and
label the map from memory, FREEHAND.
I recently had a student
working on this assignment.He practiced
and practiced with great effort.The result?Everything west of
the
Mississippi was just right.New England fit together perfectly, as
did the Tidewater states.The Northern Midwest lined up fine, and so
did the Southern Coastal states.He even spelled all fifty correctly.
Obviously, Merv had drawn
each region in turn rather than first
outlining the country and then trying to subdivide it.It was a good
technique, but unfortunately the belly of the US was drooping a
bit
lower on his paper than in reality, leaving a gap between
Tennessee
and the Deep South.
It was labeled
"Unclaimed Territory."
I gave him an A.
When asked for her
occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a
schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the
bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before
this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write �I will not pass through a red light � five hundred times."
The mother was having a
hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in
school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don �t like me, the
kids don �t like me, the bus drivers hate me, and the school board wants me to
leave, I don �t want to go to school."
"But you have to go
to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy,you have a lot to
learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader.And besides, you are 45 years old and you are
the headmaster."
You may be a teacher if...
You believe the teacher �s lounge should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.
You want to slap the next person who says, "It must be nice
to work from 8 to 3 and have the summer off."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell it �s a full moon without looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box
on the
report card.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you don �t know and correct their behavior.
You think people should get government permits before they can
reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You can �t have children because there is no name you can think of
that doesn �t give you high blood pressure.
You think caffeine should be given intravenously.
What The Professor Said and
What The Professor Really Means.
You �ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
I used it as a grad
student.
If you follow these few simple rules, you �ll do fine in the course.
If you don �t need any
sleep, you �ll do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying is what �s most important.
I don �t understand the
details either.
Various authorities agree that...
My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
I don �t know.
You �ll have to see me during my office hours and I �ll answer the
question.
I don �t know.
In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are
several disparate points of view.
I really don �t know.
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
Today we are going to
discuss my dissertation.
We can continue this discussion outside of class.
1.I �m tired of this - let �s quit.
2.You �re winning the argument - let �s quit
Today we �ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will
be
a good educational experience.
I stayed out too late last
night and didn �t have time to prepare a
lecture.
Any questions?
I �m ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are clear.
I don �t know what it means
either, but there �ll be a question about
it on the test.
The test will be 50-questions multiple choice.
The test will be
60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer
questions (1000 words or more, and no one will score above 55
percent.
The test scores were generally good.
Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below my expectations.
Where was the party last
night?
Some of you could have done better.
Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions
about previous material?
Has anyone opened the book
yet?
According to my sources...
According to the guy who
taught this class last year...
It �s been very rewarding to teach this class.
I hope they find someone
else to teach it next year.