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My Story:

It was a dark and stormy nightOnce upon a timeThe strangest thing happened to meI want to tell you what happenedYou won īt believe it, butOK, here īs what happenedabout a month ago in Worsleymy housemath classan old cabin in the hillsthe woods behind my housemy bedroomthe cafeteriaHines Creek. I was talking on the phoneeating a sardine sandwichdrying my hairout for a walkhalf asleeplooking in the mirrorjust sitting therewhen I realized that I was in lovesomeone was watching mesomething wasn īt rightthere was a bad smell somewheresomething amazing had just happenedI wasn īt wearing any clothesI was a vampire. You have probably had that experience before. I felt suddenly afraidelateda cold chillnervous and upsetlike a million dollarswonderfulworriedsad, and I knew that soon I would have to make a decisiondo something about itgo to the bathroomgo to sleeppaint my toenailsfinish drying my haircover myself in embarrassmentcall someonefind out the truth. My friend ChelsieBrentMichelleBrodyTrenaJoshDestinyDarlaMattEmilyVictoriaKelseyhad called me the previous day, and told me all about LaurieMichaelTyRenessaBrentWaceyJasonMichelleJennaKelseyDestinyChrisEvan īs problem with the policethe stray dog that was acting strangelythe letter she wrote to Nelsonthe letter he wrote to Jayceethe principalher motherhis fatherher boyfriendhis girlfriendthat stranger in townthe pierced navel, and I was a little worried about himherboth of themmy sanitywhat would happeninfection. Then, all of a sudden, I saw in my mindoff in the distancecreeping towards mein the mirrorwritten on the wallbehind a treecoming through the doorwayin a blinding flashwhat I realized was the awful trutha snarling wolfthe problem I had ignoredthe person I least wanted to seemy motherthe principalmy worst nightmaremy true lovethe thing that I most feareda huge masked man with a chainsaw, and right then I wet my pantshad to sit downcried out in fearbegan to sob uncontrollablylaughed out loudchoked back a screamchoked back a large belchknew I was in loveknew I was invincibleknew I was in troublerealized I was good lookingrealized I was rather unattractivebroke wind!
I remembered what my math teachermy fatherEmilymy horoscopemy grandfathermy karate teachermy psychiatristmy doctormy older sisterthe secret voice in my armpithad told me about a situation like this. It was very important that I not panicrun awayrun away from my fearsblushtake things too seriouslylose sight of what was importantforget my mannerslook worriedthrow up all over everyone. Very calmly, I picked up a big stickpicked up my hair curlersaid a little prayerresolved to do the right thingwalked awaybent over and threw upate another bite of my sandwichspoke a few quiet words to myselfsat downplaced wads of gum over strategic locationsand knew I would do the right thingpulled on some pantsstarted screaming for helpresolved to do something about the situationwaved my arms in the airshivered uncontrollablycalled my best friendimmediately felt better about itrealized I was no longer afraidrealized I looked ridiculous. Before I knew it, I was aloneseveral people were watching meI was sobbing uncontrollablyit was overI was on the phoneI was in the hospitalI was curled up on the floorI was curled up on the groundI was laughing at myselfI was deliriously happymy arms were stuck to my chest, and I cried like a babyknew I had done the right thingtold my friend what I had decidedtold my friend to bring me some clothesknew I needed to restwas glad it was finisheddiscovered that I was happydiscovered that I liked myselfdiscovered that I needed to lose a few poundsdecided I needed to think about it some moreknew I had to do something moreknew I really liked being naked. So you see, I really learned somethingdidn īt get hurtgot a good scarealmost diedalmost died of embarrassmentalmost died of pneumoniawas thankful that I acted sensiblyhad a īblonde moment �needed to thank my math teacherwasn īt cut out for things like this, and I decided I just had to tell you all about it.