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ESL forum > Message board > Need another pair of eyes.     

Need another pair of eyes.



roneydirt
United States

Need another pair of eyes.
 
I gave a test this past Friday and went on holiday, but have to go back tomorrow.  I would like another pair of eyes to see which story was the best.  I don �t need help with the grammar, it was graded by hand.  I am posting it as I typed it up word for word with their mistakes.  Some of the writing is very hard to read.  Love one student; I have to have a magnify glass to read his writing.
 
Now the stories could be better but they did not see the writing prompt till they got the test which also had 40 questions on grammar.  (fill in the blank and find the mistakes)
 
The writing prompt:
 
As you remember we watched a Dr. Who episode over the last couple weeks.  Write a short Dr. Who episode where you are one of the characters.
 
I posted them on the next slide so I don �t take too much room on the forum.

5 May 2011      





roneydirt
United States

Leo:

            One day, Dr. Who have a son, but the son is alien and his wife left his Dr Who will and the daughter of declining aristocracy Victoria married, both of them are not willing to marry, but again not good detried her parents  The Dr. Who. find Leo, Leo is very clear.  He say that.  Dr. Who�s son see the Victoria very sad and bagan to prevent wickett, drink the next wine, he gave up.  The Dr. Who and his son leave the Earth.  They go to the Mars.  The live with the alien and have a good time.

Shirley:

A hoilday will Dr. Who.

            One day, I was doing my homework.  Suddenly, a strong wind came.  Then, a blue box was there.  Dr. who came out and said to me �Do you want to go travelling with me?�  �Ok.� I agreed.  So, I went into the blue box.

            Later, we went to a island.  There were many tall and strong trees on the island.  It looked very dangerous.  Dr. Who said to me �Don�t be worried! It is save here.�  I didn�t agree.  I was still afraid.  Suddenly, a line came out.  �Oh, no!� I shout.  I ran quickly�.

            Then, I woke up.  I found, it was only a dream.  But I really loved this traveling instead.  It was very interesting and amazing at all.

Candy:

            In the holiday.  I go to a bluebox.  It�s a Dr who�s home.  It�s beautiful.  It�s very clean.  I sit his sofa watch TV.  Dr who is in the kitchen  he is making the dinner.  He is good for cooking.  I eat lunch with him. We have a good meal.  Then we go to the park.  We play together. We are happy.

Tony:

If I am with Dr. Who.  I�m going to find the cause of the strange thing.  In the world.  I�ll stop them if it�s possible.  For example, the Indian engouus were killed by some Americans.  When the chief of a tribe�s brother was killed.  The chief of a tribe said that the president of U.S.A. will die because some quirkiness thing in 100 years.  And it�s the fact!  All the president of U.S.A. dead in many strange things.  The sole president who lived is Reagan.  Be he was senile dementia.  And the last president has the curse is Bush.  He chokes when he eats cookies.  (HAHA)  He didn�t die.  I want to know the cause of this thing.  I want to go to 20th century if I�m with Dr. Who.

Roger:

            Dr. Who and I got on the telephone booth and we went off.  I stopped on a stone.  I look the stone and I exclaimed, �it�s not a stone!�  Dr. Who said, �Go away! Quickly!�  A large tortoise appearred!  We noticed we were standing on the tortoise!  We are descended.  Dr. Who used his torch to light the tortoise�s eyes.  The tortoise shounted but it�s was blind.  We know it�s angry and if we don�t begin to run, we will in great danger.  So we ran very fast, and the large tortoise crawled quickily.  We suddenly saw a cliff was in front of us.  And we jumped down.  The tortoise also dropped with noisy shouting.  It got stuck!  We dropped in a river and got on land soon.  The telephone booth was also floated.  Dr. Who told me that the was -1 thousand year!  We went in the telephone booth �the spacecraft and we backed to the earth.

Jack:

            One night, when I was sleeping.  I heard a big sound.  I got up and then saw what happened.  That was a blue box in my garden.  That was a man with a black jacket.  He went over the garden, and said to me: �What the date is today?�  I said: �It�s 2012 the 1st of Martch. but who are you?�  �oh, sorry.  I�m doctor who.� �Why are you get here� �I am solving the problem, shall we get the partner?� �Oh, Yes!�  �ok. Let�s go to the jinmao Tower.�  �Why� �Because there is a monster on the top of the tower.� �oh, shall�  we got in the blue box then I heard the sound again.  1 minutes later, we got out of the blue box.  I was very surprised.  Because before 1 minute, I was in my garden.  But�. It�s�. �ok, let�s go�  we got into the lift.  We got to the top of the tower.  Suddenly, I saw the huge strange monster on it.  �What�s this!�  �It�s the alien, let�s kill it!� �Why! It did nothing.�  �See the dectracity is losing.  The power will make the monster to kill the human beings!� Suddenly, the monster attacked we.  But Dr. who put out a light and throw it to monster.  The monster stopped the attack.  It became bigger and bigger.  Suddenly, The huge sound went over, the monster was senible.  �What happened?� I surprised.  But. The Dr. Who, was sensible too�  �what?���

Nick:

            One day.  I was walking along the street on my way home.  Suddenly, a light from the sky though me and I felt into a different place.  When I open my eyes, first I saw a strange man.  I though maybe he was my friend because I had seen hime before. Oh, I know, he was doctor who!  He brought me to a big blue box.  It must be the blue box that could travel to everywhere.  After that, a huge figue walked slowly  He said it must be the most powerful monsters on this world.  By reading the English book before, I know it was called Goyle.  We killed it by a shot and the Doctor who gave me a book as a present.  �Nick, wake up!� My mother call me.  Oh, I am had a dream.  What a wonderful dream I have bad before!

5 May 2011     



roneydirt
United States

third post so it is not on the front page of the forum because there are seven stories, but they are short.

5 May 2011     



Kennetta Reid
Barbados

I think Shirley did a very good job. Her use of language is very good, and she punctuates very well.

5 May 2011     



yetigumboots
Germany

Has to be Tony... :)

5 May 2011     



s.lefevre
Brazil

I think Jack is the most creative.

5 May 2011     



MarionG
Netherlands

Why do you need to know which story is "the best"? Is it a competition?
I find it strange to compare and decide which one is "best"
All have strong and weak points. Shirly and Nick adapt their story best to their level of English, a fine quality in itself. Others are more original (Roger and Leo) Jack has the clearest story line, easing the reader into what is happening... etc. etc. etc. 
The idea of having to choose "the best" among students � work seems odd to say the least...

5 May 2011     



douglas
United States

Shirley �s is probably the best written (Jack �s is also pretty good), but I like Candy �s story the best--I like her outlook on life and use of the English that she knows and will most likely use regularly.

5 May 2011