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ESL forum >
Ask for help > clumsy sentence
clumsy sentence
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Minka
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clumsy sentence
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Hello! Can a native speaker help with this one, please? I was asked to check a text and there is this sentence which I find strange and far from ideal, but cannot really make it better. The author would like to keep the word "condition". How would you correct it? Thank you so much! Only on condition that it complies with the provisions by the profiles manufacturer, the company can offer a quality product that will serve its purpose for many years. Have a great day, Minka
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3 Jun 2017
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ldthemagicman
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Dear Minka, "The Company can offer a first-class quality product that will serve its purpose for many years, but only on the condition that the Customer is able to comply with the provisions of the Profiles Manufacturer". I form the conclusion that the firm which manufactures profiles, (shapes), is a subsidiary, or a sub-contractor, or a partner, or a close associate of the main product manufacturer. If you are a Customer who buys/hires/rents the product or service which is offered, you must comply, not only with the conditions of the first Company, but also with the conditions of the second Company which manufactures the profiles. In my opinion, "a quality product" is an almost meaningless expression, because the phrase "GOOD quality" is merely implied, not said. Equally, it could be �average quality �, or even �bad quality �. It is similar to the expression at the Doctor �s surgery: "I have a temperature!" Everybody, living or dead, has a temperature. What is intended is: "I have a HIGH temperature". I am not an Engineer, but as a Quantity Surveyor for many years, I was trained in writing Specifications. I hope that my opinion helps you.
Les Douglas
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3 Jun 2017
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Minka
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Thank you so much!
May I ask you, though, why is the Profiles Manufacturers written with capitals?
In this case, the company must comply with the provisions of another company. This company manufactures windows using profiles, manufactured by another company. I was also in doubt about "profiles manufacturer", thinking it might be better to say "profile manufacturer". Thanks again, have a nice day, Minka |
3 Jun 2017
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ldthemagicman
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Dear Minka, You are perfectly correct: the phrase, �the Profiles Manufacturer � could be written in small letters. There is no grammatical reason for these capital letters, nor for �Company �, nor for �Customer �. However, in formal documents, it is helpful if the reader can instantly see who the different people are ... �the Company � .... �the Customer/Client �, etc. By capitalising certain words, they tend to be easier to see and to recognise without confusion. We are talking about one particular firm, �the Company �, who is corresponding with one particular individual, �the Customer/Client �. Because I try to be a methodical Teacher, in my Worksheets I quite often capitalise words, so that the Student has a crystal-clear understanding of the Topic under discussion. I think that the word �profiles �, (plural), is better than �profile �, (singular). The Profiles Company manufactures numerous profiles, not just one profile, and the plural wording makes this clear. Thank you for your courtesy! Les Douglas |
3 Jun 2017
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Minka
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Thank you so much for taking your time to make this so clear!
Best wishes, Minka |
3 Jun 2017
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yanogator
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Hi, Minka, I don �t think Les was right to bring the customer into this. Here is my re-writing, with only four changes to the original: Only on the condition that it complies with the provisions of the profiles manufacturer, can the company offer a quality product that will serve its purpose for many years. Like Les, I �m not sure about what the profile manufacturer is, so I �m happy with his speculation on that. Although Les isn �t wrong about "quality", it is commonly used without modification to mean "high quality", especially with the indefinite article, so I would leave it as it is. Bruce |
3 Jun 2017
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Minka
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Thank you so much! All of your answers have been very helpful  |
3 Jun 2017
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Jayho
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I actually think it is fine the way it is, but do agree with Bruce that �of the profiles manufacturer � is better. I don�t think it sounds clumsy at all - it is the type of writing found in warranty and product information, rules and regulations, in contracts, in the fine print, and so forth. On (the) condition that - both are fine (I think �the� is US and without is UK) Cheers Jayho
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3 Jun 2017
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