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ESL forum >
Ask for help > The elderly
The elderly
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Zora
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Hey Alicia,
Sometimes loved ones are, in fact a "burden". I have a neighbour, here in Spain, who is looking after her mother-in-law who is in fact in a vegetative state. Her own son won �t even go in to see her anymore, so my friend has to clean, feed, change her bed clothes, etc. They cannot even go away for a day because the woman needs to be tended to... And guess what?! Her doctor says her heart is perfect, she could live another 10-15 years like that!! My friend is not all that well herself, her daughter just had another child and she helps her out too... She is worn out and near breaking down... all because of a "what might the neighbours say if we put her in a home attitude."
So yes, I am afraid that loved ones can be a burden at times, especially if the are sick or have special needs. The young should never be buried in life... or at least that is how I see it.
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3 Nov 2010
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lockman
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i agree with you aliciapc loved ones are not a burden but I also think it is a cultural issue .The only thing I disagree with is the concept of copying and pasting from animals and not human beings.Sorry to say this in plain words but we are human beings and there is a wide difference between man and birds.but if the parents in question made the choice as ZORA SAID then it is up to them.The sad thing about this is the view of your old parents who used to be your examples your guides your angels in such miserable conditions.the case of zora s parents is not
what i am talking about here
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3 Nov 2010
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aliciapc
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I have a cousin in Spain in the same situation as your neighbor, she doesn �t "have a life" , in the way it is understood nowadays ... but you are talking about sth extreme, Linda, in that case, I myself would have her/him in hospital , where they can take better care of any person in vegetative state! I would want that for myself, too.
But I �m talking about a regular old person , with the usual health problems they have, which can be many, I can assure you. See, that �s how I think of all this, I will give them what I would like to get if I were in their place ... as simple as that.
So I guess in other cultures, going to live in a home is what people just do, they don �t even think of any other possibilities, right? I suppose I �d think like you if I had been raised in a different place ...
And yes, Lockman, we can�t compare our behavior with that of animals� ...
But, again, each situation is so special and particular, we cannot say what�s right or wrong. |
3 Nov 2010
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Mariethe House
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The young ones have their lives to live! they can help as much as is possible but I wouldn �t want to burden my child with such responsibility as having to take care of his old mother when modern life puts so much stress on him with worries of all sorts. We don �t have children to look after us! I believe this is a crime! The role of parents is a totally generous one: we have children to help them , to guide them through the difficulties of life but it is not the other way round! We, as responsible adults, must take responsibility of our lives! We mustn �t think that because we gave life to our children we give them the duty to look after us when we are older: This is not what they are meant for! We must love them but they don �t owe us anything! If they love us : OK! It is a suberb present they are making us but they don �t have to! They did not choose to live in the first place so they should not be given birth with the ultimate aim in life to look after and care for their older parents!
I have taken measures so as not to bother my son when I become too senile and I have to go!!!
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3 Nov 2010
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aliciapc
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I totally agree with you, Mariethe, I didn �t have my kids with that in mind, and I don �t expect them to take care of me or my husband. My parents did not tell me that I had such a "duty", as you may think of it. It �s sth that comes naturally, I love taking care of them ! For me, giving some love in return, is not a crime, it �s a blessing . |
3 Nov 2010
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PhilipR
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As stated above this is an issue that is linked to one �s culture. Let �s not forget there are still many societies nowadays that look upon having children as their personal pension plan. Or is it simply give and take?
Sometimes it �s worse: millions of (young) children - often from the tender age of 6 (!) - are slaving away in sweatshops as we speak in order to support their parents. Although often destitute, the latter are of course anything but old and crippled. I guess life is just not fair for everyone...  |
3 Nov 2010
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Olindalima ( F )
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Hi
This is a very sensitive subject for me.
I �ve always prayed ( if I know it ) , I want to go away the same way my dad did. He went off, after dinner, to have a coffee. and never came back. It was a very hard, difficult, sad situation, I cried and cried and, then, I realized that he didn �t have a pain, and, I didn �t have more pain than I would have if he had had an announced death.
I �m happy he finished his life in such a fast way, that he didn �t evem had the the time to think about me.
I had my sister-in-law, whom I loved a lot, suffering for more than 3 years, with a cancer. It�s not fair we know we are about to finish our days.
I have my mummy, for more than 30 years, a very difficult person, living with me. About 7/8 months ago I had, believe me, I had to put her in what we call a day care center - she goes there in the morning, she spends the all day there and returns at about 7, to have dinner with the family and sleep.
She can �t be alone, she is not anymore able to take care of minimal things; I can �t, no one of us can, leave our jobs to stay with her, doing nothing except taking care that she doesn �t do any silly thing.
I don �t feel guilty for what I am doing; I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a grandson; I have a job, I have all my housework, I can �t strech more. I do what I can, I believe I can �t do neither more, nor better
I do feel, people in the middle ages, let us say ,between 30 / 40 / 50 , are somehow punished, because the previous generations could do better than we do now, because they ( mainly women ) didn �t have the same duties we have now.
May we all accept and be able to live with this problem we have- taking care of old, sick people is something we can gladly do, once or twice.But, if we have to do it all day long, everyday, all the weeks, every monthh in a year...... please, we ALSO deserve a life and we CAN �T steal other family �s members their life.
It is, in fact, a very serious problem, I have decided for what seemed to me the best way, to everyone of us.
Thanks for bringing here such a sensitive subject, I believe life is more than printables and caf�. I �m sure many of us have similar problems.
BIG HUGS, my friends
Linda
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3 Nov 2010
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dturner
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You are describing yourself as part of the �sandwich � generation. In the middle between children and aging parents. We all feel it if we are middle aged and have children and parents still. As for me, I �m �parentless � now, and like others who have spoken on this forum before me, my parents died a while ago, one young, one old. It was difficult to see your loved ones leave so quickly, but I think in the long run, it was a better death -- to go quickly. It was very hard for me however. My friends are now dealing with their aging parents and have many problems and then they also have adult children who are also needy. There is never a right or wrong decision, and all decisions are reactions to time and place.
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3 Nov 2010
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lovemykids
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I was broutht up by my grand-mother because my mother died when I was 2. My grand parents have been such generous, affectionate and marvellous persons... I would like to be by my grand-mother �s side as I have always been when she needs me the most. Sadly, my grand-father died some time ago and my grand-mother told me to sent her to an elderly home when she is not able to take care of herself anymore. She says she doesn �t want to be �a burden � and that she wants me and my family to live and enjoy without having to take care of her if she becomes ill. I admire her generosity and I know she really mean it but I wouldn �t do that anyway. In my opinion, a better choice than a house for the elderly is to have someone at her house to take take of her as she hasn �t even wanted to move with me and my family. She has been really independent so far but she �s 78 and sadly starting to be ill. I know that the home and their memories in it are really important for an elderly person and I also know many cases of people dying immediately or some time after they are sent there because of depression and loneliness.
I understand all of you and respect your points of view though.
Ps Dear Linda, I would never ask my kids to take care of me as if it was their duty and I would never make them feel guilty if they decide so. |
3 Nov 2010
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yolprica
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I am glad I brought up this issue because lots of interesting opinions have been stated. Thank you all for your help
Yolanda |
3 Nov 2010
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